One Sunday Morning
by HAZMOT
Summary: Jack and Sam are new parents. Daniel, Vala, Teal'c, Cam and just about everybody gives advice.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: Sometime between the Ori wars. I wanted to see how families interplay, especially if was Jack and Daniel and Vala and Sam and the list goes on.

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"How many times do I have to tell you Danny boy. Women are a strange brew. Anytime you try to take one of their sides they turn on you."

"Look Jack, I was just agreeing with Sam. She said the baby looked like you and I said yes, they all do."

"You are; I can't even call you an idiot. Your not, yet you are. Are you sure you have ten degree's; maybe it was eight."

"Sam knows the baby looks like you. It has little hair, a big mouth and I swear I saw him raise his eyebrow when I said Jack Jr."

"How does your wife put up with you? Now I see why she beat you up when you two first met. I don't know why I didn't beat you up when we first met."

"Because you like me Jack, I'm your equal, I can be sarcastic as much as you can and people don't "want" to kill me."

"No, you just keep dying all the time; they can't keep count to "kill" you."

Vala walked in carrying Jack Jr. Sam was sleeping and Vala was there to help out around the house.

"Jack, said Vala, I think your son needs changing."

"And your point."

"You are his father; every father must change their son at least once in their life. It's your turn, what's little Jack going to think, I'm his father?"

"And I say again, your point."

"Daniel will you hold the baby while I knock some sense into your intellectual equal."

"Man", Jack retorted. "The women in this family are tough; they always want to beat us the hell up."

"No, they just want to beat you the hell up."

"And you Daniel watch your language around the baby that was not a linguistic phrase."

"Jack said it."

"And your point." Vala stated.

Jack took hold of his son and laid him down to change his diaper. Jack is cooing and tickling the baby. Daniel and Vala just shook their heads. Jack did not seem to Daniel as the fatherly type. Sam and Jack had been married for almost three years, when Sam told him she was pregnant; He was speechless; for about a minute. He told Sam that he was elated and couldn't wait. Underneath he was terrified. He had went on countless mission, died, fought the Gou'ald and the Ori and he still could not fathom he was to become a father again. He thought he failed his first son when he committed suicide, but this was different. He finally admitted he truly loved Sam and when the baby was born he had several Godfathers and Godmothers. Teal'c would be little Jacks protector for life, Daniel and Cam would be his mentor and Vala being good friends with Sam, would help Sam's transition to motherhood.

"That's my boy, no peeing on daddy this time, save that little favor for Uncle Daniel."

"Thank you Jack, I'm sure I'll set my schedule to be peed on by your son." I do believe that like father like son comes to mind."

Vala interrupted. "I hate to see this little father and son reunion come down to just bodily functions; but I need to give little Jack his bath now, so if you two don't mind."

Vala whisked away Jack Jr. and headed towards Sam's bedroom.

Daniel was pensive as he watched his wife hold the baby and disappear.

"You know Jack? Vala would make a great mother. Adria didn't give her much of a chance to be motherly, but we've been talking about having a baby lately"

"You are her?" Jack asked.

"Both of us actually. I see how she loves taking care of LJ, and I'm glad she's such a help to Sam too."

"LJ, what is LJ? "You giving my son nicknames without my permission Danny boy. It sounds like one of our missions. You should at least call him JR or Jr."

"If I call him JR, Teal'c going to try to find out who is JR and then he'll ask questions pertaining to that Dallas series. You know how addictive to TV shows he is. He'll want individual DVD's and then box sets. Uhnnnnnn, it gives me the willies just thinking about it."

"Well this time you will explain the series to him. I hide all science fiction from him anyway. He's so addicted to them; he will have us watching for hours. If he starts my son watching those, I'm going to have to let you kill him."

"No, let's let the "women" do it."

Daniel and Jack had a good laugh. There was a knock at the door.

"Greetings. Teal'c said. "I bring our favorite; pizza and Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith."

Daniel and Jack rolled their eyes.

"Ok T, where's the refreshments, like beeer?"

"I was not under the impression I was to bring beeer. Col Mitchell is in charge of the refreshments this time. I have done my part, now if you will excuse me, I must see that the little warrior is well."

Teal'c pushed his way in and gave Jack the pizza and film. He was happy for Jack and Sam, and informed Gen O'Neill that it was most favorable to have finally admit his affections for Sam. He also informed Jack that he would help raise the little warrior despite being Jack's son. Jack didn't want to question T, so he let it alone.

There was another knock at the door.

"Hey guys, I brought the beer. Where's the little tyke?"

"And hello to you to". Jack quipped. "Everyone form a single line and no pushing. My son will be out as soon as he finishes his bath."

"Well it's better than seeing you after a bath." Daniel stated.

Mitchell interrupted. "Please Daniel, we just got here. Don't make us vision that."

"My wife has no problem with it." Said Jack.

"Were not married to your wife. And how do we know anyway?"

Jack started to say something but Vala and Sam entered the room.

"Well Sam." Vala said. "Look's like where going to be babysitting more than the baby.

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_Authors Note: Let me know what you think. I may continue this story :)_


	2. Chapter 2

**JACK AND SAM'S**

Everyone had settled in to watch Teal'c's selection of Star Wars. Vala and Sam had joined the boys along with the baby. Sam decided the baby needed a few things and Vala decided to go with her.

"Ok, Jack, since you boys have settled in, Vala and I will return soon, try not to get the baby dirty; he just had his bath."

"Ah honey, don't you trust me?"

"And your point."

"Point taken, see you ladies later, we'll take good care of my boy." Jack said.

"Oh, and the baby too."

Teal'c intervened. "Do not worry Samantha; I will keep an eye on the two Jack's."

"Did your hear that little guy?" Jack, talking to the baby. "They don't know what they're talking about do they. NNN, ga, ga, ga, booh."

Vala looked up. "Oh don't say that again. I think that was Gou'ald."

"Thank you T. At least I know there's one adult in the bunch."

Daniel interrupted. "Hey I resent that."

Vala interjected. "And your point."

"Ok, Vala lets go before I change my mind." Sam hesitated for a few moments. "Maybe I should take pictures to make sure an all points bulletin is put out in case "anyone" is missing?"

Vala pulled Sam outside to the car.

Teal'c gave Jack a leery look.

"What?"

"Hey, you know I wouldn't let anything happen to my little guy."

"I do believe Vala is correct, I believe that was Gou'ald, and not a very nice thing you said to the little warrior."

"Yeah, Jack, don't say that again. Daniel stated. "He may use it against you one day."

"They don't know what they're talking about, Jack Jr.; I was talking perfect baby."

Cameron chimed in. "I think I saw him smirk."

"No you didn't, babies don't smirk." Jack insisted.

"Your baby does Jack; look at him guys, is that a smirk or is that a smirk?"

Everyone looked at little Jack curiously. They all stated in unison.

"Smirk."

"Philistines."

Teal'c put his DVD of Star Wars in the player. Cam passed out the beer and pizza and Jack settled in with a milk bottle for little Jack.

"Do you think were setting a bad example for my son guys? I mean the beer and all. What if he wants one?"

"I think the milk bottle is all he needs. I don't think he's going to say; Hey dad pass a brusky." Cam answered.

"Indeed."

"Hey we wrecked Daniel. All he would drink was coffee, ugh, and now look at him; drinking beer, eating pizza, watching Star Wars, what's next? Puberty."

"You know Jack, you should go on the road with that act; someone might actually laugh."

"I believe the movies is beginning." Teal'c interrupted. "Let us concentrate on the scene at hand."

They all watched some of the scenes play out in the movie and passed more beer and pizza around. Jack was trying to get his son to finish the bottle. The baby kept moving his head looking for something.

"I don't believe you're equipped for that Jack. He's probably used to the real thing."

"And what would that be puberty boy number 2. You're still looking for the real thing."

"I recent that Jack; just because T and I are bachelors doesn't mean we don't know what the real things are." Stated Cam.

"Hey watch your language. My son's in the room."

"I believe Col Mitchell is referring to mother's milk."

"Like I said watch your language. My son will drink this bottle of milk just fine."

Daniel tilted his head. "Are you holding him right, I mean is he supposed to look like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like he's about to……………….

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. They all grimaced.

"I'll get the towels, Man! Jack; for someone who's a General you didn't see that coming?"

"You know Daniel, I'll be glad when you and Vala have a baby, cause I'm going to make sure his dad can only fetch towels for a living."

"Oh, sounds like daddy needs a nap."

"I do believe O'neill that the proper way to expel unwanted milk from a child is to place one's hand properly on their back and pat until the child feels confident to release post haste."

"Gee, what was I thinking, do you think I have the right side up. Maybe I should label both ends and see what comes out of either."

"There is no need O'Neill, I believe that Samantha has seen both your sides."

They all looked confusingly at Teal'c.

Daniel was busy helping Jack clean up little Jack. The baby was busy cooing at Daniel and his father.

"There you go, all cleaned up and nowhere to go." Now lets see if I can find daddy a clean shirt and pants and shoes and a new couch."

"Why don't I hold him until you change Jack. Daniel said. "Do you need any help? I mean we can help if you want."

"No; I can do it all by myself, "thank you."

"Well we were just asking." Daniel was busy bouncing the baby on his lap.

The guys continued to watch the movie and Jack finally joined the group.

"Hey, I just noticed. That little kid who play's a young Darth Vador, he's kinda; you know, not funny." Cam said concentrating on the scene.

"And Jar Jar Binks, he wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in our reality."

"The Gou'ald would have thrown him back if they had to listen to him all the time."

Teal'c interrupted. "I believe he is a central character in the story. He is a liason between the two opposing parties."

"They can't understand him, I can't understand him. I can't believe there's more than one of him in the story. Him a General,;"please."

Daniel laughed. " Makes perfect sense to me."

They all turned and looked at Jack.

"What."


	3. Chapter 3

**SHOPPING**

Sam and Vala were busy shopping for the baby and other items. Sam kept looking at her watch and kept fiddling with her cell phone in her pocket. Vala only noticed slightly out of the corner of her eyes. Vala just loved shopping for baby clothes with Sam. She and Daniel had discussed having a baby after Sam had little Jack and the more she helped Sam with the baby, the more she was sure.

"Sam, what are you doing? We're supposed to be shopping, not mopping."

"Huh, oh, sure, sure, I was just thinking about the baby that's all."

"Which one?"

"Yeah, I see your point. I know Jack wouldn't let anything happen to little Jack, but sometimes I wonder."

"You mean who's the bigger baby or adult?"

"Did you see what they were watching, Star Wars, for all we know they're playing Jedi and my son is being tossed around like Yoda or something."

"No, Daniel would catch him."

"Who would catch Daniel?"

"Now we left Teal'c in charge of all of them, they'll behave."

"Vala; they had pizza and beer, and a milk bottle, between the bunch they'll give the baby beer and drink his milk."

"Can he change himself yet?"

"You mean the baby, No."

"No, I mean Jack."

"Valaaaaa, you're not helping here."

"Look at this, isn't this adorable, this cute little jump suit and it's in blue."

"Vala, I said I'm worried here."

"And look is has a little open up bottom for easy access."

"Vala!"

"What do they need an access bottom for? What's the baby going to need easy access to?"

"Vala; step away from the suit and walk away."

"Sam, look, look; there's another baby section, I bet they have those in green, I love green."

"Ok, I give up. Personally I love brown, hides Jacks mistakes in feeding the baby."

"Ok, I have a few more items on my list and then we can release the hounds."

"Sam, I'm sure the baby is fine, I'm sure the guys will make sure if they make a mess, they'll have it covered up before we get back. I hear Jack's very good about covering up messes."

"Oh, I feel soooo much better now."

"Well darling; I am here to help."

Sam was also watching Vala sift through the baby section. She realized that Vala was also shopping for herself. She thought about Vala and Daniel having a baby too, she knew that being around little Jack brought out that motherly instinct that Vala had. Vala had been a great help, since her own family was so far away and Vala took it upon herself to help out anyway she could. She helped her when they first brought the baby home. She made sure Sam had plenty of rest and didn't have to worry about any of the house chores for awhile. She helped Jack with the laundry, shopping for food and being there while her hormones were out of whack. Jack didn't have a clue why Sam was crying half the time. This was her first child and she read every book possible on babies, but nothing could prepare her for her emotional overload. Sam was scarred to death about taking care of the baby. Jack helped, but it was Vala who showed her that it takes time and she was there to help, they all were. Vala had become her best friend and there was nothing Vala wouldn't do to help Sam.

"Vala? Can I ask you something?"

"Uh huh."

"Are you and Daniel thinking about having a baby someday?"

"It's that noticeable huh."

"Yeah."

"We've talked about it, and being around little Jack has helped. I wanted to see how Daniel would react around a baby."

"Oh, thanks, my son the Ginny pig."

"Well Daniels more the Ginny pig, if the baby can survive him, he can survive anything."

"I mean Daniel is so sweet and kind and so caring, but I sometimes think it's like a science project when we talk about having a baby."

"It's like, look honey, see how intricate their anatomy is, look at every function in their little body it's so precise and calculated. I mean I wonder when the baby is born if he's not going to stick them under a lamp to see if he's a Gou'ald."

"Now Vala, I've known Daniel for a long time and he would never stick the baby under a lamp, he would use a flashlight and thermometer first."

"You're not helping Sam."

"Well darling I am here to help"

"Touch'e."

"Well I'm finish with my list, we better be getting back."

"You know Sam, they will be watching Star Wars for hours, talking about it for hours and we darling are free for the afternoon. We can have brunch, lunch or munch or whatever you call it and get a long message and facial. I hear the mud is good this season."

"Hmm, that does sound wonderful, Oh, I don't know; we are leaving the baby at their mercy."

"We are leaving the baby in good hands; Teal'c."

"Ok, I'm in, let me phone the boys, no; phone Teal'c and see how everything's going."

"Oh, Goody, we are going to have a great time. Mud looks good on you."


	4. Chapter 4

**JACK AND SAM'S**

"Hey guys, I think that I should call Sam, I think she's going to notice."

Daniel interjected. "Well, I'm not going to tell her, I'm going to need Vala to interpret what Sam says once she chews you out Jack."

"Well it's not my fault; Cam just had to see how it's done. Not everyone take's me litterly."

"Teal'c you call her, you're the one she trusted to watch us."

Teal'c raised his eyebrow. "I left the three of you with the baby for 5 minutes. If I knew this was going to happen, the baby would have come with me."

Cameron was looking up. "I still don't know how you did it. I see it, but don't believe it."

"Maybe she won't notice if we just cover it up a little. You think the neighbors will say anything?"

Cam, Teal'c, Daniel looked at Jack and then up, then back at Jack again.

"YES!"

"I'm sure glad the baby can't talk. He may blow the whole thing." Jack stated.

"You sure she'll notice? I mean maybe if we fan it a little the smell will go away." Said Jack.

"MMMmm, I think I'm going to go change the baby, after what happened I don't blame him for pooping in his pants." Said Daniel.

"I think I pooped in my pants." Said Cam.

Jack looked up again. "You know; I think I know some guys who specialize in this, maybe they can clean this up."

Teal'c looked at Jack and Cam and shook his head. "I think I will assist Daniel with the baby. You must be brave O'Neill; Samantha will forgive you however I will be in the other room with the baby. Loud noises tend to hurt my ears."

**SPA ROOM**

"You're right Vala, this was a great ideal. A nice message, a mud bath, this is just what the Doctor would have ordered."

"Well darling, since Dr. Lam can not join us, then we must take her next time. You think her and Cam would make a good match. I think we need to push them in the right direction" said Vala.

Sam looked over to Vala with a curious look. "And what direction would that be Ms Match maker?"

"You know in the get married direction. You know he has a crush on her and just because her father is his boss should not stop him. Men are so birdie at times."

"You mean chicken Vala, chicken."

"Same thing, anyway, maybe next time, we can secretly invite Carolyn and just have Cam coincidently shows up at your house. They'll never know what hit them."

"Yes they will, it's called Vala."

Vala and Sam continued to relax for another hour or so. It was good to just get away from the men they thought and pamper themselves, even if it was just for an afternoon. They were still relaxing in the mud bath when two uniformed men came in.

"Col O'Neill, is Col O'Neill here?"

"Who wants to know? Sam asked.

"I'm looking for Col Samantha O'Neill ma'am. I was sent to find her by Gen Jack O'Neill."

"Yes, I'm Col O'Neill, what's this about Sergeant?"

"It seems that the Gen wanted to locate where you were ma'am I believe his exact words were; don't come back without her or face the consequences."

Sam was worried. "Is something wrong? Are they alright? Is there an emergency?

"I don't know ma'am, all I know is that Gen O'Neill said to bring you and your friend back to the house ASAP."

Sam stood up from the mud bath with Vala and both grabbed their clothes and towels and packages and rushed out the door.

"Well come on Sergeant, lets go. You're driving us."

"But ma'am; don't you think you might want to uh, uh change first."

"That's an order Sergeant, let's go. You think Gen O'Neill's bad, don't get under my skin."

Vala tried to stifle a chuckle and proudly walked out to the jeep with her friend, mud and all.

**Jack and Sam's House**

"Well the baby is all cleaned up, not a trace of mess on him, is it little Jack, huh, huh, that's a good boy."

"Cheez, Danny boy, he's not a dog."

"You would have taken better care of the dog Jack."

"I should wash your mouth out with soap."

"Hey guys?" said Cam. "Did anyone order girls for a party or something, because there are two marines in a jeep with some funny looking girls in costumes out there."

"Teal'c you dog, you're ordered some girls for Star Wars? My wife is going to kill me. I have a baby here."

"I'm sorry O'Neill but I have not ordered as you say, "girls" for a party. Perhaps it's for someone else in the area."

"Well you better do something because they are headed this way and they look angry too; well at least one of them does."

"What tha; let me see, you've had too many beers, funny costumes, humph."

Jack looked out the window and saw two what looked like women heading up the walkway, one looked up and suddenly put her hands on her hips and starred at the house.

"Oh my God!, its Sam, Crap!

Cam, Teal'c and Daniel looked at each other and headed towards the bathroom with the baby.

"Well, Daniel stated. "I think the baby is still dirty, I'm going to see if we can clean him up some more."

"Halt!, where do you guys think you're going? My son is cleaner than me, you're not going anywhere."

"Hey, we were just concerned for the baby. It's going to be raining you know what in here and were just saving the baby the trouble of seeing daddy splattered all over the walls." Cam stated grinning.

"Hey, if I go down, everyone goes down, baby included; and give me my son, that way mommy won't hit daddy holding the baby."


	5. Chapter 5

**JACK AND SAM'S HOUSE**

Sam and Vala were covered with mud and towels. Sam coming up the driveway had noticed a large smoldering hole in the roof. Vala just shook her head and was walking right behind Sam. Sam knew this had to be Jack's work. The marines in the jeep just shook their heads and left. They thought this was going to get ugly.

"JACK! JACK! WHERE ARE YOU JACK?"

Sam was knocking at the door carrying her clothes and bag and leaving mud hand prints on the door.

"I think you better let her in Jack. She sounds a little upset." Daniel stated.

"Well thank you Mr. Obvious." Jack let Sam and Vala in while holding the baby.

"Now, Sam, Sam, I can explain, it was an accident. I have witnesses."

"You're going to need them after I get done with you; and hand me the baby."

Daniel interjected. "Well honey I think it's time to go, nice visiting with you Jack, little Jack, Sam. Come on hon; time's a wastin."

"You have got to be kidding; this is going to be good. Plus I want to know how all of you are going to explain that little hole in the roof and now that I see in the ceiling." Said Vala.

Sam was fuming; she checked the baby for injuries and glared at Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Cam.

"I'm going to clean up the baby and then and you had better have a good explanation when I'm done "Jack"."

Sam left with the baby in tow and Vala right behind her. Vala just turned around briefly, trying to conceal a snicker.

Jack mused. "I wonder why they were all covered in mud?"

"You have bigger problems Jack." Cam stated. "The baby is the only one off the hook."

"What do you mean I son; we is the better phrase here, WE! Have a problem."

"I'm pleading the fifth, it always works on TV. Said Cam. "You guys in?"

"Indeed."

"I'm in."

"Don't let me pull rank on you guys."

"Sir, with all due respect." Said Cam. "We weren't holding your son hostage against your wife and if I might add, we didn't throw the flying marshmallow either."

"I was not, humph. "Look you guys if we stick to the story about entertaining the baby, Sam won't be too upset. We may get off with just a tongue lashing."

Teal'c, Daniel, and Cam all looked at each other, then back at Jack, then at each other and then back at Jack. And then is unison.

"No way "Jose'!"

"Ok, abandon me in my time of need; just remember I know things, secret things about all of you."

"What things? Asked Daniel.

"Secret things, classified things that only I know and have kept hidden all these years."

"You're bluffing; you don't have any such things Jack." Cam paused for moment thinking, and then asked sheepishly. "Well do you?"

"Let's just say, pictures were taken. Eight by Ten glossy and the details are rather spectacular."

Teal'c, Daniel and Cam all looked at each other, then back at Jack, then at each other and then back at Jack. And then in unison.

"Way Jose'!"

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Sam has just finished cleaning up the baby and herself. Vala was finishing up in the bathroom. Sam was still steeming, she couldn't believe she had been gone half the day and Jack had a hole in the roof. Vala finally came out drying her hair and addressed Sam.

"Sam, the baby is fine and the house is; well technically still in one piece. It's going to be interesting to hear how that hole happened, and from looking at Daniel and the rest they all rather be somewhere else than in that living room with the smoldering ceiling."

Sam was trying to calm down. She had to access this like any other mission she had gone on. Survey the area, make calculations and decide whether the area is safe or hostile. It was going to be hostile.


	6. Chapter 6

**LIVING ROOM**

**Sam and Vala had laid the baby down for a nap. Sam figured he had enough excitement for one day. Vala had mentioned to Sam that is a capitol crime to kill a General, even if he was your husband, she was sure she read that somewhere. Sam was always calm in the sea of disaster, but even this was going to test her resolve. Sam gathered her thoughts and returned to the living room.**

"**Jack? I'm going to be rational about this. I'm sure that you and your posse can explain why there's a smoldering hole in the ceiling as well as on the roof. I expect exact details and a sound explanation." **

**Sam was counting slowly as she addressed Jack. **

**Jack was counting slowly as he addressed Sam.**

"**Well, let me see, where do I start?" Jack kept looking at the guys as they continued to look elsewhere.**

"**Well we kind of ran out of pizza, then we decided that………**

**Daniel, Teal'c and Cam continued clearing there throats every time Jack mentioned "we"."**

"**Well, let me begin again. I decided that, hey! Here's and ideal how about some old time favorites like smores. So "I" was challenged that someone could make better smores than me. Well you know me Sam; no one can challenge my cooking."**

**Sam was counting in her head again. Jack still had not explained the hole yet. She kept looking at Vala to reassure her that you can't kill him yet.**

"**And so we, "I", started up the fireplace and we already had the chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers. So, I thought I could pass on the recipe to little Jack."**

**Sam just kept starring at Jack to continue faster.**

"**So we scraped together some twigs to put the marshmallows on and had all the rest ready to fix." So "I" decided that it wouldn't hurt to let the baby toast some marshmallows for, you know; realism."**

**Daniel was going to say something and decided against it.**

"**Sam Cam decided the baby wasn't holding the marshmallow right and so "I" corrected him and said if he could do it better, be my guest."**

**Cam was going to say something and decided against it.**

"**So, anywayyyyyyyyyy. Teal'c and Daniel wanted to try the marshmallow challenge and soon all of us were roasting marshmallows in the fireplace with the baby."**

**Sam slowly spoke to Jack.**

"**So----- you---- had----- our------ son------ roasting-------- marshmallows------ in the------- fireplace. He------- was------- near----- a----- open----- flame?"**

"**Now honey let me finish." Said Jack.**

**Sam kept looking at Vala. Vala kept shaking her head no.**

"**So, everything was going fine and the baby was laughing honey, you should have seen him, have was having fun, he really was. So we were about to put the roasted marshmallows on the chocolate and graham crackers. Cam said he could flip the marshmallow on the chocolate and crackers and catch it."**

**Teal'c was going to say something and decided against it.**

"**So he did and I guess the baby was trying to imitate Uncle Cam and flipped the marshmallow. So the marshmallow hit the ceiling and ignited some of the paint and we tried to put it out. However the ceiling is rather high and so Teal'c tried to put water on the ceiling to put it out. It kind of made it worse. No child was harmed in doing this."**

**Jack was trying to interject a little humor to keep things light. Sam kept looking at Vala, still Vala was shaking her head no.**

"**Soooooo, anyway; we decided to call maybe the fire department to help out. One thing led to another and the fire department kinda put a hole in the roof to let the smoke escape, they didn't want the fire to spread any."**

**Vala was going to say something and decided against it.**

**Jack continued. "Well the neighbors came and someone called base security, you know being the General and all. So the fire was contained, the baby was cleaned up, we're all alright and we finally saw the end of Star Wars, revenge of the Sith."**

**Jack could of sworn he saw Sam turn five different colors. Sam turned around, grabbed Vala by the arm and went toward the bedroom with the baby.**

**Daniel, Teal'c and Cam didn't say anything. They all watched Sam head towards the room. They looked back at Jack.**

**Jack paused and starred at the ceiling. **

"**I think she took that very well, what do you think?"**


	7. Chapter 7

**SAM'S ROOM**

Sam pulled Vala into the room and shut the door. She looked down at the floor before looking slowly up at Vala and then over to the baby. She was trying to comprehend what she just heard come of Jack's mouth. He had almost burned down the house with the baby and friends in just one Sunday afternoon.

"Vala, I want to thank you for saving my husband's life this afternoon. Because I am seriously going to injure him, not kill, but injure him. I don't want the baby growing up thinking his father was killed in action. A stupid action, but none the less, killed in action."

Vala just looked at Sam and busted out laughing.

"Valaaaa, this is not funny."

"Oh, yes it is. Your husband, my husband, and his possums almost burned the house down via marshmallow gram."

"That's "posse".

"Who cares; the elite SG1 team, although be it half of the team, put a hole in the roof, tried to put out a little ole fire, had those poor fireman climb up a little ladder putting out a marshmallow fire. And what do we do? We come in like mud storm troopers in towels Sam. I'm sure the neighbors got an eye full once with the fire and then with the mud queens entering the scene. Chalk it up with one sticky baby and then a muddy baby. He has to be the cleanest child on the block. I say we're; what does Daniel always say? Ah, par for the court."

"That's par for the course, Tit for tat, and all that."

"Yeah, that too. Said Vala.

"Look Sam, he knows he's in trouble, he knows he's going to make it up to you and man will he make it up to you. He protected the baby, there's no psychological harm; that will probably come later and well, it's been a pretty nice day."

Sam shook her head and looked at the baby and started laughing too.

"Shh, shh, they'll hear us. I don't want Jack thinking he's off the hook. I have to think of something to get back at him. He's a three star General for crying out loud, I have to think of a three star plan to get him for all of this."

"Well darling, let's put our heads together and come up with a plan, hmmm.

* * *

"Jack? It's been nice knowing you." Said Daniel. "I will miss you and the times we had together."

"Yeah, me to." Said Cam. "I've been told that you could come thru in any pinch, but you're about to go through the Sam zone, not twilight, but the Sam zone."

"I too O'Neill have been honored to serve with you. It has been most interesting. I will miss you; I will send my regards to the Jaffa nation." Said Teal'c.

"You know, the mind is a terrible thing to waste and you guys forgot, I didn't forget I have your secrets."

Daniel interrupted. "You forget, you're going to be dead soon and so will all our little secrets with you."

"Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. You don't know we werry well, haaahaaa, silly wabbit."

Daniel stepped back from Jack. "Why does he sound like Elmer Fudd?"

Questionably Teal'c asked. "Who is this Elmer Fudd?"

Daniel thought, should I? Teal'c will be buying DVD's now. Oh well.

Daniel explained. "Elmer Fudd was Bugs Bunnies' arch enemy. Elmer could never catch that silly rabbit because he was always one step ahead of him."

"Then O'Neill is the rabbit."

"No O'Neill is no rabbit, he's Elmer Fudd. Sam is the rabbit."

"Ahhh, this explains much. Thank you Daniel my friend."

"Wait a minute." Said Jack. "I mean I'm the one with a plan and you my good and faithful friends are going to help me put it into action."

Sounding like Gary Coleman. "What you talkin about Jack?" Cam interjected.

"We, and I do mean "we"; are going to placate my wife and your wife Daniel so they will be eating out of our little hands. I'm not a General for nothing you know."

Cam, Daniel and Teal'c just shook their heads knowing their we're getting deeper and deeper into trouble.


	8. Chapter 8

**LIVING ROOM**

Jack was in the living room contemplating a plan to get him out of trouble. He knew Sam would forgive him, but he knew his Sam. He knew she was no fool and he was going to pay for this incident.

"Guys I have a plan. We are going to fix this mess and Sam will forgive me for everything."

Daniel looked at Jack.

Teal'c looked at Jack.

Cam looked at Jack.

Daniel finally said something. "You know Jack, I've died on missions, ascended, came back to life, fired a few weapons, died again, been attacked and died again and it gets to be old dying all the time. Sam is going to kill you and you're trying to take us with you."

"No, no, no, stick with me, she's not stupid, but I know she's in there letting off steam and I know she's trying to think of something to punish me."

"Cam interjected. "I think your paranoid Jack. Hell has no furry like women with a marshmallow burned house."

"Indeed."

"Look, we'll call someone to patch the roof, clean up in here and make like nice." Said Jack.

"You are delusional Jack. "Sam is thinking a thousand ways to kill you and make it look like an accident. She's smarter than you." Daniel said.

"Sam loves me, and we had a baby together. We had relations."

Daniel scrounged his face up. "Eww, don't make us vision that. Plus Sam had the baby; you just stood there and asked where there any good cigar bars around."

"Well there were some you know."

"Jack." Said Cam. "I know some guys who owe me a favor and can fix that hole. They can be here in a few hours. But it's going to cost you Jack. This is a Sunday and repair people hate to work on a Sunday."

"You think I like looking at a hole in my roof on Sunday? You had to show off and flip that marshmallow, Nooooooooo. Capt Cam can, I can flip a marshmallow, ooooooh."

"That's Col Cam, and anyway you were suppose to watch the baby. I can't help it if he saw poetry in motion."

"Yeah, he saw motion alright. Babies are like Dinosaurs, they don't move unless they see motion."

"You better not let Sam hear you say that." Said Daniel. "Baby or no baby, the baby went marshmallow commando, like father like son."

Teal'c's head was going back and forth from Jack, to Daniel to Cam and back again.

"Teal'c? asked Jack. "You haven't said anything about this, don't you have some wise Jaffa saying for all this?"

Teal'c stood for a minute looked up to the ceiling where the hole was, looked down the hall were Sam was and turned and looked at Jack.

"MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU."

"That's not a wise Jaffa saying." Said Jack.

"It is now." Said Teal'c.

"You watch too much Star Wars. That's it; I'm confiscating the Sith."

Teal'c stepped forward towards Jack.

"That would not be wise Obi One Kenobi Jack." Said Cam.

Daniel chimed in "Be afraid Jack, be very, very afraid."

"You guys watch way to many movies." Said Jack. "So do you guys feel lucky, well do ya punks?"

Jack picked up the bag of marshmallows and was about to throw them.

"Say hello to my little friends."

Daniel looked at Cam and then back at Teal'c and then back at Jack and yelled.

"GET HIM!.

**SAM'S BEDROOM**

"Come on Vala, we need a good plan; were smarter than them. We'll maybe not Teal'c, but anyway Jack's always trying to come out clean. This cannot go unpunished."

"You know, you sounded just like Teal'c, you really do."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"Thanks."

"Well anyway, help me Vala, the boys out there are thinking of a plan, let me re-fraise myself. Jack is thinking of a plan to get out of this mess so I won't kill him. He knows, I know he knows and he knows I know what he knows."

"I don't know what you know, what does he know?" stated Vala.

"He knows I know he's going to think his little brain out of this mess and make like nice, but I'm not going for it. So I know and he knows and soon we'll all know, ha."

"Is this some new earth language I haven't picked up on, because I'm confused."

"Vala, Jack is going to blackmail the guys and make them help him. I know him, he's going to say; Sam imitating Jack. "I have secrets on you guys all of you. And then he's going to say; I have them in eight by ten glossy pictures."

"And the bad part is, he probably does. Hello! Wait a minute, hold the phone. I just figured out what we can do to get back at Jack."

"Oh, I'm in. Now tell me about those eight by ten glossies pictures."


	9. Chapter 9

**JACK AND SAM'S HOUSE**

"Hey, get off me guys, I'm a General you know. I swear you guys act like a bunch of kids sometimes. Jack Jr. has better manners." Said Jack.

Daniel interrupted. "Jack Jr. is the one who got us in this mess. Like I said before; like father, like son. Have you been giving him lessons in total destruction?"

"Yeah, I just sit up all night and read him my missions with you guys."

"You know Jack?" stated Cam. "The kid does have a good arm. You see how high your ceiling is? That's one mean feat. Maybe you should sign him up for baseball or football."

Teal'c interrupted. "Yes, O'Neill, his arm is exceptional."

"Yeah, not so like father, but more like son." Daniel laughed.

"I'll have you know I was quite the athlete and Sam well, she is the athlete. Of course he does take more after his father, me."

All the guys said in unison.

"UH HUH!"

"Cam, I need you to call those guys about the roof ASAP. The quicker we put this little incident behind us, the quicker I can calm Sam down. Who know's what she's planning in there, and with your wife Danny boy, I know they're cooking up something good. It's like having two main frame computers in the house and one of them is slightly shorted out."

"Yeah, and little Jack too. Vala is not planning anything Jack, you and your paranoia. I bet they're drawing up little baby graph's and charts." Said Daniel.

"Why, have you heard something?"

"Aaaaaaaaaargh." Cam grimaced. "The repair guys will be here, but it will be a couple of hours first. There watching the game like we should be doing right now."

"Yeah right, that's all I need is to be watching the game while there's a hole in my roof. My wife would think I don't care anything about what happened. Jack paused for a minute. "So, who's playing?"

**BEDROOM**

"That's it, all I need is to get a hold of those photos or information Jack has on the guys. He thinks he's so slick. I know he has to have them close where he can get to them. And I know just where to look." Said Sam.

Vala was thinking out loud. "So, are they glossy pictures, large, can they be enlarged further, I especially want one of Daniel and maybe Cam, and Teal'c? Can I sell them on E-bay? Maybe we can have a ruffle, or is that raffle?

"Vala! "I need to concentrate. Can you see if little Jack needs changing? I have a mission to complete."

**LIVING ROOM**

"Turn the volume down guys; we don't want them to hear were watching the game. Man I wish we had some pizza or something." Said Jack.

"I believe they we may order online now." Said Teal'c. "I have often placed several orders online, I have a revolving account."

Cam chimed in. "I bet you do, big guy."

Daniel just shook his head. "I don't think this is a good ideal Jack. We're already in trouble, your going to make this worse. Yes! Touchdown. Anyway we're toast if we get caught, and my wife I want to go home to. What's the score?"

"I told you Danny boy, I have a plan. Sam's going to be…….you idiot his foot was on the line. Eating out of my hands. We're going to look so good after this she'll go want to go out more often with your wife. No, no, no incomplete pass. Trust me." Jack was smiling.

**BED ROOM**

"It's a good thing I leave my laptop in the room; that would probably have a hole in it too. Let's see, Jack has some personal files in here, he always thinks he can hide stuff here. I know you my sweet; those files are in here somewhere, probably under something simple yet complicated at the same time. There's no code I can't break, were are you, hmm, where are you?"

"Uh, Sam? Should you be talking to you computer like that? You're scarring me and the baby."

"Huh, Oh, sorry Vala, I was just thinking out loud."

"I hate to see you when you're not."

"I know Jack; he hides every little detail of information on a disk or file. I know things, secret things." Said Sam. "We're are you, my precious, my precious?"

Vala stepped back from Sam a little ways. She thought, I need to get her out more.

**LIVING ROOM**

"Hey, shoo, shoo, stupid birds, this is not your own private pooping station, get off my roof. Jack shouted."

Vala popped her head out slightly from the room.

"Hey, what's going on out there, Daniel!"

They all said in unison.

'NOTHING!"

"See, See, I told you we're going to be in trouble, my wife has ears like, whatever, she just does." Daniel stated.

"Hey, the birds are trying to poop in my living room. They probably smell the marshmallow smoke and decided to have a party. I don't want them on my roof."

"I believe there is a solution O'Neill." Said Teal'c.

"Well you better come up with one soon, cause half times coming up and I love those band girls." Quipped Cam.

They all turned around to look at Cam.

"What? Oh, like you guys don't watch them kick high in the air when the band is playing. They're like cheerleaders on steroids."

Again they kept starring at Cam.

"I got a call to make, be right back."

"I worry about him. First the marshmallow throwing and now kicking cheerleaders, when will the madness stop. Said Jack.

"Look, I'll go outside and see if I can shoo away the birds Jack, it's not like the hardest thing in the world to do." Said Daniel.

Teal'c interrupted. "I believe I have a better solution to your problem. The shooing you mentioned may make matters worse."

Daniel turned around to answer T. "It's alright T, I have ten degrees, I think I can scare a little bird from a hole, it's not like it's rocket science."

"Yes, but your incomplete plan may backfire, I sug……

"No, no, I'll be fine, I'm not going to let a little bird outsmart me. I'll be right back, I hope those roofers get here soon Jack. This is turning out like one of your missions."

"Ha, Ha, let's not hear anymore from the peanut gallery shall we. Hey, what was that. Is that, that, bird poop?"


	10. Chapter 10

**OUTSIDE HOUSE**

"Alright birdies, Dan the man is here, time to get going somewhere else."

Daniel had conceived a plan that if he threw pebbles at the birds on Jacks roof, they would be easily scared off. However it was having the opposite effect. The more Daniel threw rocks at them the more birds showed up. Daniel was getting frustrated every minute. He decided to give up and go back inside the house. What he saw when he came back left his mouth wide open.

All the birds that Daniel had tried to shoo away had converged into the hole to get away from Daniel's pebble throwing. Several birds were flying in the living room swooping down at Jack, Teal'c and Cam. Sam and Vala heard the commotion and came out of her room.

Sam was shouting. "Jack! Jack! "What's going on?

"I think they're birds in the house honey."

"I can see that, why are they in the house?"

"Ask our resident genius Daniel. He was outside trying to get the birds off the roof, now there in my house. Daniel? Jack asking sarcastically. "Why are there birds in my "Bird man from Alcatraz", why, why, why?"

"I didn't do anything, I just threw a few rocks at them and more of them came; I guess they were trying to get away from me."

"Oh, that was brilliant Danny boy."

Vala chimed in. "Uh, Jack, they seem to be after something on the floor, what are those little white things on the floor?"

"Yes Jack." Said Sam. "What are those little white things?"

"Oh, Ah, I think they're marshmellows. Hey I think I know why they're attacking us. It's the marshmellows, they're after the marshmellows guys."

"And to think they made you a General." Said Sam.

Daniel was shouting over the bird noises. "Teal'c, Cam do something man, these crazy birds are out of control."

Teal'c was standing stoic against the birds, for some reason they were not attacking him. Teal'c walked slowly over to Sam.

"Samantha, could you please direct me to your nearest sucking receptacle."

"What!

Vala interrupted. "I think he means your vacuum cleaner."

"Oh, down the hall and to the right Teal'c."

Sam was trying to maintain some ounce of composure while ducking the swooping birds. Vala was just shaking her head at all the men and thinking this just keeps getting better and better.

"Jack? I'll be in the room when you get done playing around and turn that football game off."

Sam and Vala returned to the room. Sam shut the door behind her and clung to the door knob.

"Vala?"

"Yesssssssss."

"Shoot me, shoot me now."

**LIVING ROOM**

Teal'c finally came back into the living room with the vacuum cleaner. Cam, Jack and Daniel were using pillows trying to keep from being attacked. Teal'c started sucking up all the marshmellows in the room; he went outside and dumped all the marshemellows on the lawn. All the birds inside and on the roof converged on the pile. Teal'c went back inside, put the vacuum back in the closet, came back outside and sat down.

Teal'c addressed they guys. "You may come out now, the birds have been dispersed."

Cam, Daniel and Jack peeked out from their pillows and looked around and saw that all the birds were gone.

"Well, that's what I'm talking about." Said Cam. "Teal'c you the man."

Daniel, Cam and Jack did a high five among themselves. Teal'c just sat quietly on the couch looking at the hole in the roof.


	11. Chapter 11

JACK AND SAM'S HOUSE

**There was a knock at the door. Jack answered the door.**

"**Hey, how are ya? Where here to fix the roof. Is C man here?"**

"**C man, who is C man? I need my roof fixed but there's no C man here."**

**Cam chimed in after seeing who was at the door. **

"**Hey, Bud, how are you. I'm sorry Jack, I'm C man, you know short for Colonel."**

"**Are there any other aliases you have that we should know about C "man"? Said Jack.**

"**No, well, never mind; anyway, thanks for coming over Bud. You can see the problem on the roof; I know you can help us out." Said Cam.**

"**Yeah, my men will be right on it. The game was getting pretty boring. Half time was alright; man those cheerleaders are the bomb."**

"**Yeah, well I missed that part; we had dive bombers inside before you came."**

**But retorted. "Huh?"**

"**Never mind." Said Cam. "Well I'll see you guys in a bit."**

"**Ok, were on it, It might get a little loud with all the banging and things, sorry about that, but it can't be helped, well where on it." **

**Bud left and Jack was smirking.**

"**C Man, just by chance are these guys any good?"**

"**Yeah, I did them a favor once and they owe me, big time." Cam said.**

"**Well, said Jack. I better tell the misses there will be a lot of noise. I'm sure she's going to love that we are going to keep the little guy up. Come and get me if I'm not out in 10 minutes."**

**Cam, Daniel and Teal'c just shook their heads as Jack headed for his bedroom. They knew Jack was already in trouble with Sam, and telling her there was going to be a lot of noise on a Sunday afternoon, was just plain suicide.**

"**So T." said Cam. Where's that pizza you ordered dude?"**

**Jack knocked lightly on the door and waited for an answer. He had a flashback about Sam booby trapping the door and he was falling into the abyss.**

"**Uh, Sam, honey, can I come in? I need to tell you something."**

**Jack opened the door and Vala was playing with little Jack. Sam was working intensely on the computer.**

"**Honey, Sam, sweetheart, uh, the roofers are here. There might be a slight banging sound on the roof. I wanted to warn you and see if you might want to move further into the family room so it won't disturb the baby."**

**Sam answered sarcastically. "Why thank you Jack, that seem like an excellent ideal. Vala; why don't we take little Jack to the family room so we don't disturb the guys on the roof. Thank you Jack, I'm so happy for your concern."**

**Jack was a little afraid how calm Sam seemed. Vala was in the corner smiling and shaking her head at Jack. **

"**Will there be anything else darling? Sam said calmly.**

"**Uh, no."**

"**Alright darling, we'll see you when the job is done. Come on Vala, we're going to the family room to get away from those big bad roofers."**

**Sam kissed Jack on the cheek and moved to the family room with Vala and little Jack. **

"**Oh, boy Jack thought, she "is" planning my murder?"**

**Jack came back in the living room and had a perplexed look on his face. Sam was way too calm and that meant trouble and she called him darling that was double trouble for him he thought.**

"**What's the matter Jack? Said Daniel. "You're still alive, the roof is being fixed and the pizza is on the way. What are you worried about?"**

"**Sam called me darling and it wasn't the good darling either."**

"**Well I thought you had a plan? We're still waiting on that. Maybe Sam has a better plan than you Jack."**

"**When I say I have a plan. Said Jack. "I have a plan, you guys have no faith."**

**Bud and his crew were climbing the roof to fix the hole. His men kept watching the birds congregate on a pile of something white. They ignored them and continued on with their work. Bud stuck his head through the hole to access any more damage. Suddenly one of the birds from the pile swooped up at one of his men on the roof. The man ducked and fell forward onto Bud. Bud's head went completely through the hole and he slid halfway through the roof tearing a bigger hole and wedging his torso halfway through the roof. His men tried to pull him out but they were having no luck. Bud was half in and half out of the hole now and stuck tight. Bud was hollering to his men to get him out and the birds decided that buds butt was a prime target with his legs wiggling to get free. His three men were now dodging the birds and falling off the roof into the bushes and marshmallow pile. This scared the other birds and they started attacking Bud's legs and Bud started screaming through the hole to anyone that would listen to help him out. **

**Jack, Daniel and Teal'c slowly turned from looking up at the scene in the ceiling and looked at Cam. **

**Cam quipped. "Well; at least the hole's been plugged."**


	12. Chapter 12

Sam was in the family room with little Jack and Vala. Sam claimed she heard loud noises and screaming. Vala said that she would check it out for her. She figured Jack might need an ally if things come to worse. Vala knew Jack's reputation for sliding out of trouble.

Vala entered the living room and what she saw even made her laugh out loud. Teal'c, Daniel and Jack were trying to hold onto someone sticking through the roof. The front door was wide open and she saw Cam running around outside shewing the birds from some men on the ground.

The men turned and saw Vala laughing hysterically. Jack immediately thought, great I'm going to die over and over and over. Vala was still laughing down the hall when she went back to the family room.

Vala was still laughing when she entered the family room. Sam looked at Vala with an incredulous look. Vala was laughing so hard she fell down on the floor still laughing.

"Vala what happened? Vala? Vala?

Jack's neighbors had seen the commotion and was gathering in front of the house. All they could fathom was that there was a sticking half way out of their roof and his legs were kicking some birds attacking them. They saw some other man running around trying to stop some more birds attacking some men on the ground. The neighbors kept looking from the hole and the man on the roof and back and forth to the men on the ground. Finally a fire truck and police showed up by a call from an anonymous person. Again some men from the base showed up thinking the General may need some assistance. One of the officers addressed Cam.

"Sir, do you live here?

"No, No, I'm just a friend." Said Cam. "The man you want to see is Gen O'Neill. He can explain everything."

Another police officer walked up with a fireman to assess the situation.

"Sir, are you aware there's a man sticking half way out on your roof?"

"No, no, no, as I explained to the other officer, this is not my house. Gen O'Neill own's this house and he can explain everything.

One of the neighbors interrupted suddenly and addressed the officers.

"We saw two women dressed provoctivaly enter earlier. I think they're having and orgy."

Cam interjected nervously. "No, no, no, this is Gen O'Neill's house and he can explain everything and those women were not dressed provoctavily, there were dressed in towels with mud all over them."

As soon and Cam finished his comment, he knew he was in trouble. It sounded like they had invited some girls of ill repute.

"Look, I'm going to go in and bring out Gen O'Neill and he can explain everything." Cam said.

Just then two men approached Cam and saluted.

"Col Mitchell is everything alright. We got a call that Gen O'Neill may need some help. We understand when we brought Col Carter in covered with mud she forgot some of her clothes."

"See, see." said the neighbor. "I told you they were having an orgy, they forget there clothes, I bet that was no accident."

Cam answered again. "No, no , no, that was Gen O'neill's wife and Dr. Jackson's wife, they forgot their clothes when they were informed the roof caught fire."

"Oh yeah."Said one of the fireman."I thought this house looked familiar. How did that marshmellow get up there?

Cam was getting nowhere and he was tired of explaining everything.

"Look, everyone, officer, like I said this is Gen O'Neill's house and he can explain everything. I'll just go get him and he can resolve this situation. "Cheez".

Cam walked back into the house, he looked back outside and the crowd was growing.

"Jack? Jack? You better get out there. They think were having and orgy and we have an audience now. We better get this guy down before we have the TV station covering your little mishap."

Before the statement was out of Cam's mouth a reporter came rushing in trying to cover the story.

"Kimberly Miles here, local news, were covering, what one neighbor explains as an neighborhood orgy. We understand there has been a wild fire, partying, mud wrestling women and we understand some animals may have been involved."

Jack shot back. "What! who are you, what are you talking about. This is my house get out."

Miles shot back. "So you deny any allegations of an orgy and women mud wrestlers?"

"Yes, this is my house, were trying to fix a roof, get out of here before I call the police." Screamed Jack.

"I see, so the police are involved also. Is is true your wife is one of the mud wrestlers and also a Doctors wife is also involved?"

Daniel interjected." That was my wife, I mean no; there are no women mud wrestlers, it's all a mistake are wives are no wrestlers, they were just having a message."

"So, Said Miles. "There were messages given with the mud wrestlers?

"What! said Daniel. "No, your twisting my words, they were having a day out and came home with mud on them that's all."

"So, your saying they go out to other neighborhoods and mud wrestle?

Jack pinched Daniel. "Your not helping here Danny boy. Stop talking."

"Ow, what did I do, she keeps saying things, and she won't stop. Said Daniel.

"Look." Jack said angrily. "Get out of my house, there are no orgies and I'm fixing my roof, go away."

"Your heard it here first folks. Angry man has orgy with 2 wives and messuers and mud wrestling is involved. We believe no animals were harmed in making this story. Kimberly Miles, local 8 news, story at 11. Ok, boys that a wrap. This will be on the evening news tonight; be sure to watch." And she left.

Jack stood silent and surveyed the caios around him. Firemena, dangling roofer, birds, policemen, men from the base and being on the evening news. He only had one thought. I sure hope Sam get's me the best coffin money can buy.


	13. Chapter 13

"Vala, Vala come on. Your suppose to be helping me with getting back at Jack. Now I think I've found the file he's been hiding. Come on, get off the floor and take a look."

Vala followed Sam over to her laptop. Sam brought up a file marked "need". Sam thought that was strange, but she was talking about her husband. He always states the obvious and never explains the obvious. She hit jackpot. Jack had compiled some of the most embarrassing moments of each team member including her. Daniel, Teal'c, Cameron, Dr. Lam, and even Gen Landry. How he obtained them even impressed her. But she thought that if she was to let her friends purchase these pictures on file, she would have a way to stop Jack from holding those moments to his advantage.

"Sam, I want to know is that physically possible to do that? I mean Cameron is in pretty good shape, but I didn't know that was physically possible for a human.

Both of them tilted their heads to the left and then back to the right and then back to the left again.

"Well, said Sam, I guess we'll never know. Unless we ask Cam."

Both Vala and Sam looked at each other, and thought the same thing.

"NAH!

Sam made several copies on CD and marked each one with their respective names, one for Daniel, Cam, Teal'c, Carolyn and Gen Landry. She personally kept one for herself just in case. They heard a knock at the door. Sam quickly deleted the file and Vala answered the door.

"Hey, Sam, Hey honey, Uhm, I have some bad news. Uhm, there may be a wee problem."

"Your studdering Daniel, that's not like you unless you are in trouble." Said Vala.

"Well, Ah, there was this crowd in front, and uhm, then the police and fireman and uhm, then reporter who said something about news at 11. So I think we may have a slight problem with being on the news."

Sam said Incrediously. "Was Jack involved?

"Well yeah, and something about you and Vala being mud wrestlers and orgies, and wild parties and something about a fire."

Sam just hung her head down and shook her head from side to side.

"Ok, Vala, damage control. First Vala go down to the news station and retrieve any tapes on what's going on out there. Second Daniel; I'll handle any so called authorities that this has been reported to. Third Daniel you watch the baby and I do mean "watch". Fourth I have some information about you and your cronies that will put a stop to my dear husband's plan of embarassing the whole lot of you and Fifth. Sam hesitated.

"I'm going to go out back and have a nice scream. Back in a sec."

Vala looked at Sam leave and then back to her husband with a silly smile on her face and chanting.

"I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know."

Jack, Teal'c and Cam finally were able to get Bud out of the ceiling with the help of the fireman and the police finally where about to leave with Jack's explanation of what really happened when they heard something like a animal howling in pain.

"What the hell was that? Asked Cam.

"Oh, I know that sound anywhere. It's a wife who's about to kill her husband for doing something she wouldn't do. No worry gentleman, I have everything under control."

Teal'c moved over to the phone and dialed.

"Yes, that's right; I know this is unusual for my order. Yes I understand, no mistake, yes, yes cancel the order. Yes, no pizza today. No, No that is not necessary for my account. I appreciate the offer of fleet account. No, No there were no animals harmed. Yes, thank you, No, No, yes, yes, yes there was a man sticking out of the roof, but he has been removed. No, yes those were birds. No I do not believe they were trained to do that. No, I am sorry he was witness to such an event. I understand about his fear. Yes, it is regrettable. "Indeed". Thank you for your understanding, Farewell."

Teal'c hung up the phone and looked at everyone in the living room. Jack, Cam, fireman, and policemen.

I do not think we will be able to order pizza from the phone for now. My reputation has been dishonored."

With that Teal'c just hung his head and said nothing.


	14. Chapter 14

"Yes this is a matter of National Security Mr. Editor. I'm sure you understand that all tapes and reports must be destroyed by the military. Your cooperation in this matter will be noted to the President; and thank your for transferring Ms Wells to Bermuda. I'm sure she understood our reasons since it's a lot more warmer in that area, I'm sure she was pleasantly surprised." Stated Vala.

Vala was on her way back to the O'Neill house after leaving the TV station.

"Hello, Sam, Yes; everything is taken care of. You should of seen the editors face when I flashed my ID. I think he nearly peed in his pants, and with Ms Nosey off to Bermuda our way is clear for plan B, "Over."

"Vala; this is not a radio it's a cell phone. You don't have to save "over" unless were in radio contact. Just say bye."

"Ok, bye.

Sam received another phone call on her cell phone.

"Ok, Vala, bye is enough. Oh, sorry Sir. I was just going to contact you. Yes sir, Jack is involved. No, there were no birds injured. Yes, we did have a fire. Yes, the baby was not harmed in all of this. No sir, I think restraints will not be necessary. Sir, Yes sir, No, No sir, thank you sir for your sympathy. Yes, I understand Sir, No, no, no sir no Airman were harmed either. Yes sir, No I prefer to shoot him myself sir. Yes sir, yes the public will recover. I know sir, yes, yes I do love him. No sir, test will not be necessary. Yes sir, it's official, I did marry him. Uh, huh, yes, uh huh, yes. No sir, I don't need Carolyn to sign papers of committal. Yes, yes sir I understand that's optional. Yes, yes he is apart of SG1 sir, No, I don't think the Marines will take him sir. No, we can't do that sir, it's illegal. Yes, thank you sir, goodbye sir."

Vala had returned she was headed towards the family room.

"Daniel darling how's our little charge?" said Vala.

"Sleeping like a baby. Wait that sounds so cliché'. He's sleeping like……..

"Never mind darling, I was just asking. I didn't want a translation."

Vala walked over toward Sam.

"Sam? How's everything here?"

"Well our plan B will go into action soon. Daniel; thank you for watching the baby and we will be in contact with you soon."

"Wha, What? I'm being dismissed?" stated Daniel.

"Yes darling, your services are no longer needed; Sam and I have other matters to attend to. No go on, out with you."

Vala pushed Daniel out of the room and closed the door. She mischievously smiled at Sam.

"Now Sam, let's get down to business. Where's those disc?"

LIVING ROOM

"So, said Cam. "What's the damage Bud? Can you still repair the hole in the roof, since it's bigger "now"?

"C Man, you know you're my main man. I'll have this hole patched in no time at all. I think my boys have recovered from the bird pecks. Just minor stuff, do you have any band aids and iodine? We'll get right on the job after we get fixed up." Said Bud.

Jack answered sarcastically. "By all means help yourself to our med cabinet; will you require any shots with that?

"Heh, heh, he means Bud that the bathroom is right down the hall, help yourself to any band aids you need."

"Thanks C Man, I think, well by right back, come on boys. Free drugs."

Jack turned to Cam. "Where did you say these guys come from?"

Cam answered. "Hey Jack, they were just kidding. Their cool. Anyway they are still going to fix the roof."

Daniel returned to the living room.

"I've been kicked out of the family room. So I guess is just us guys again. Want's wrong with Teal'c.

"I have been dishonored Daniel. I have been banned from ordering pizza online."

"Okkkkk. Well Teal'c there are other pizza places."

"I had a revolving account Daniel. We scared the delivery person. He will never deliver pizza again. Ever."

"Oh, well look on the bright side T." Stated Jack. The other pizza places don't know about this yet."

"That is not comforting O'Neill. My pizza place fixed my order they way I asked, and they added extra cheese with no extra cost."

"Big guy, all is not lost. My plan is coming together perfectly. Report Daniel."

"Wha, Oh yeah. Sam is in the process of damage control. She had Vala go down to the TV station and confiscate tapes and articles on our little adventure. Sam has already spoken to Gen Landry about the incident and everything is settled for now with the military aspect. So right now my wife and yours Jack are still planning something. They kicked me out."

Jack smiling. "See, my little plan is already in motion."

"What plan Jack? Stated Cam. You still haven't told us what this little plan is; I don't think there ever was a plan Jack."

"Indeed."

"Oh, thee of little faith. Don't you see? All I had to do is sit back and let Sam take over. She's great about damage control. She can't stand to have things out of order. It's in her nature, and I exploit it as much as possible when I need to. You just have to see the beauty of it."

Daniel, Teal'c and Cam just looked at Jack and finally answered in unison.

BRILLIANT!

Bud and his men returned to the living room. They looked like someone painted band aids all over their bodies. Jack shivered at the aspect that Bud was in his bathroom using band aids were band aids should never be used.

"Well C man, we'll get back to that roof now. Give us 2 hours and we'll be out of your hair or roof. Heh, Heh, little roof humor."

"Yeah very little." Quipped Jack.

Bud and his men returned to repairing the roof. The fireman, police and neighbors had cleared out. All that Jack wanted to hear was hammering on his roof. It was music to his ears.

FAMILY ROOM

"Ok Vala, I'm ready for our victims to take the bait. This is going to put Jack in his place for awhile."

"Oh, but can't I keep some copies. I'm sure E-Bay would love those glossies."

"Valaaaa.

"Ok, Ok Sam, but your missing a valuable opportunity here. Little Jack would be set for life."

Sam raised her head in thought, she was thinking about it.

"Nah. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, remember; this is Jack were talking about."

"Ok Vala let's go make an offer. Bring Jack Jr. He may want to take notes." Said Sam.

"Uh huh."

LIVING ROOM

"Hey guys, mud wrestlers at twelve o'clock. Stated Cam.

"Sam, Vala. I see you brought my little guy with you. How's my little trooper huh? Daddy's cleaning up to you can come and play."

"Jack, honey I see their finishing the roof hopefully.

"See honey, everything is taken care of. No police, fireman or mad marshmallow eating birds flying around."

Sam sneared at Jack. "Right honey. Anyway Vala can you put little Jack in his high chair, I'm going to start the negotiations."

Jack was confused. "Wha, What negotiations?

"Oh, just a little information that may be important to the people in this room."

"Ok Vala, ready for our presentation?'

"Yep."

Vala pulled out 5 CD disk and places several photos faced down on the coffee table.

"Ok gentleman." Stated Vala. "I have here several disk and interesting pictures for each of you to view. There will be open bids, cash only and we don't take credit cards, unless from my husband or Jack. Each of you can only view pictures with your name on it. These are the only copies and all information was obtained legally."

"Sam, said Jack. "What is going on? What are these disk and pictures about?

"Oh, you'll find out honey."

"Ok Daniel, you will be the first at this exclusive deal. Please step up and view the picture with your name on the bottom. Said Val.

Daniel was curious and picked up the picture and viewed it with open mouth and wide open eyes.

"How--------Wha--------Who-------------Where-----Where did you, you get this?

He looked back at Vala and then Sam and then Teal'c, Cam and at Jack. His face was turning beet red.

"Jack, you, you." Pointing at his picture.

"I'm going, going to kil—kill you. I know this is your doing. I- I, ugh. How's fifty dollars sound? Daniel hung his head defeated.

Vala was smiling her famous open teeth smile. "Will that be cash or charge darling?

"Cash."

"Thank you darling. It's been a pleasure doing business with you; next."

Daniel was sneering at Jack and sat down on the couch looking embarrassed. Sam and Vala looked at each other with the same thought.

_This is going to be fun._

Cam slowly moved over to the table and looked at Daniel. He was a little concerned that Daniel had not said a word since paying Vala.

"Ok, let's see what's under picture number two." Said Vala.

Cam picked up his picture a little hesitantly and turned the picture to view.

"Whoa, --------- What ------------------How? I- I – I can't believe you, you have. Will fifty dollars be ok?"

"Why thank you Col Mitchell. The pleasure evidently was all yours. Will you need a receipt?

Cam hung his head down and weakly answered.

"No."

Sam, what are you two doing to these guys? What is on those pictures? Jack tried to see both Cam and Daniels and they refused to give up their pictures.

"No interference Jack. This is strictly needed to know bases. National security you know." Sam smiled back. "Vala will you continue the bidding? We have a few candidates left."

"Teal'c this is a one time deal and opportunity. I believe that you are next on our list of opportunist." Stated Vala.

Teal'c moved stoically to the table and stopped dead in his tracks.

"I wish to know Vala Jackson if it is possible to bid on other pictures as well?"

"Uhm, I don't know. Said Vala. "You'll have to speak to our key negotiator sir. We have never had other offers before. I will run this pass our resident negotiator, please excuse me."

"Sam is right there. Why do you need to do? Send in Kissinger?" Jack was getting nervous.

"I'm sorry sir, no outside influence please. You must wait your turn. Stated Vala.

"Sam? Jack said nervously. "Sam, honey, be reasonable. We can work something out. I'm sure everyone here can laugh and forget this whole thing."

Jack turned to look and Daniel and Cam for support.

"How could you Jack. Said Cam. "Those were not even my pants and I didn't know that was some Senators daughter."

"Yeah, Jack." Said Daniel. That wasn't even my pool. It took me a week to wear that color off. And if memory serves me well, I was invited, if I remember by you."

"Guys, guys, comrades, friends. You know I'm a General right."

"No rank here Jack, this is the Neutral Zone. Said Sam. "And yes to your question Teal'c there are other bids that can be offered. I especially have a disk and eight by ten glossy of one General in expose'."

"Indeed."

"I would like to offer $200 dollars for all pictures and information that has not been viewed. Stated Teal'c.

Vala pounded her hand on the table.

"SOLD! To the Jaffa warrior."

"Hey we didn't get to bid for those items." Said Daniel.

"Hey can we bid too? Said Bud from the hole above.

"Shut up, get back to work. Said Jack.

"Sorry Daniel." Said Sam. You didn't ask. I believe there is a $200 dollar bid on the table. Going once, Going twice?

"$300, make it $400 and I'll throw in my pizza coupons. Said Cam.

"Now wait a minute Sam. Said Jack nervously again. "This is getting completely out of hand."

Daniel interrupted. "Make it $500, my pizza coupons T. Come on T; we've been through a lot. Think of your honor. I can get you pizza privileges re-instated. I can make them deliver to you again."

"Hey, that's not fair. Said Cam. "I can't offer anything like that. I'm fixing the roof and for beer even. I'm getting the shaft and the roof."

"Now calm down gentlemen." Stated Sam. "I'm sure if someone is open for any suggestions, like paying for the roof instead of beer. Making sure all copies of pictures and other unknown information is deleted permanently and that person will re-instate whatever pizza privileges that were lost, including delivery, and baby-sit, wash dishes, clean the house, do the lawn, take out the garbage, do the laundry; need I continue? JACK?

"OH, you were talking to me. I thought this was a democracy."

Sam leared at Jack.

"Ok, Ok, I know when I'm beat. Everything you said, whatever you said. I, I'll make sure there are no traces of so called secret information on those in this room or others." Said Jack.

They all looked at each other, knowing Jack probably had some type of embarrassing information on everyone at base.

All right. All in favor?" Said Sam.

Everyone raised there hands.

All bids are hereby null and void and thank you for your non refundable contributions.

"Oh, pooh, said Vala. It was just getting interesting. I wonder if Gen Landry would want to know about his daughter's picture and his too?


End file.
